I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
