If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
