i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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