I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
