Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
