Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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