All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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