how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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