If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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