I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
