I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
