Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't deserve a penis
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
