great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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