I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Blood and glitter go together right?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
