so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
