My room smells like vodka and shame
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
