what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
