It was confusing and full of hummus
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
