Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
