When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
