a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
