Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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