Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
