What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
