Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
