I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
