someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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