you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Someone shattered a urinal.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
