you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
