Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
