My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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