I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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