I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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