Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
