i think i have herpe
just one?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
