How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
