My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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