Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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