The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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