I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
