the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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