i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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