Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
