i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
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I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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