he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
