so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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