i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Four minutes until I can fart!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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