I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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