Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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