So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
should my penis look like a turkey
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The ass gains better be worth it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
