no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
