obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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